Satan embedded his lies that I wasn’t worth enough to anyone as he make believed that the absence of people in my life determined my worth. Over and over he used people to walk out of my life, and over and over he stole from me to appeal to my emotions and sink me into depression. He point out that failure of other and used it against me that everyone care only for themselves and care less none about me. He made me believe that people appriciating determine my worth, dignity, respect, love, Fatih, hope, and life. He said that I’ll never be anyone because I wasn’t rich, because I dint had the perfect life, because I grew up without a father, because I didn’t have leader in my life, because I was a women, because I have no friends, because I am all alone. And I believe his lie. I settle and grew comfort in that ill never be anything because I wasn’t what who he said I am and because I didn’t have what he said I needed to be loved.  Satan assaulted and harassed me trying to destroy me. He began to see my heart for people and manuputaed them to manipulate and blind me from the very weapon I have against him. As a women you never be strong. HE said I was cursed because I felt love, because I felt compassion, because I was forgiving and people even though they had hurt me. But that was a lie too. IT was satan all along hurting me through hurting other people. He tried to put me against my own heart to love. HE scar my mind with trauma and tormented me for season to make me turn against myself. You should never forgive because they dont care about you. You deserve better. Why pray for them why care when they dont care even for themselves . Stop and give up on love. Look how much it causes you to loose. You hurt for them while nobody hurts for you! Focus on yourself. Stop carrying, you losing you identity. You can go through more pain. You aren’t strong enough. You are just a girl. You have no power. You have no stregh. Remember that you are alone.  Remember that your life is not perfect. But I rebuke that satan! And one night the voice of the lord said to me. You though that I didn’t care about your life by allowing brokenness in your life. You though I didn’t care when I gave that family, that relationship, those friends, that career, that hurt, that trauma, when isolated you and allowed nobody to like you and nobody to befriend you. You thought that I was cursing you? Madai, your purpose is bigger than that, dont you see. I am writing your story as you breath today and you breath your next. All this time I was with you! Satan is trying to distract you by attacking you and I am allowing him to break all of this idols that you have believe that form your identity and purpose for your life. IT only hurts as much as you hold it and not let it go. Havent you seen that you have overcome despite that you didn’t have what you thought you needed. Haven’t you seen how closer you been walking into the identity that I have given you? Haven’t you seen the character that I have given you. Love, hope, faith, courage, strength, value, virtue. You are more than enough. You are strong. The scars don’t identify you, they empower you because you are an overcomer. I am showing you through the darkness that you light. DO not fear for I am with you! Satan intended to harm you, but I intended for good. I am God over satan and his plans. I still have power over him. Nothing passes me without my will and is filter through my plan and my purpose over you! IF I allow all that rejection is because I was redirecting you to me. Now you can look back and see for yourself that nothing holds your value and can take way your value because I have created and I have formed you and because I have called you mine. If you were able to do it and make it without the help of this world you can do it and make it again for I am with you and I go before you! I know the plans I have for you! You make plans but I determine your steps.

I realized that a man or woman who loves will face many battles, and the man or woman who loves will never love without having to war. In other words, the man or woman who loves will have to go to war to love. This is the reality of love because there is an enemy who hates love. Who is against unity and from the beginning of time wanted to steal, kill, and destroy that which God has for you. If there is darkness in this world then there is light and a God that exists. Going to war for love is what constitutes the very essence of true love. All relationships will face many battles and both men and women will face wars that will come to destroy love, however, those who are willing to go to war for love will gain the meaning of true love. There is also more to the meaning of love as you get to the other side, which will elevate you to the ultimate revelation that I desire for everyone to know. I summed it up in these words: "It’s not the outcome that fulfills one's desire for love but the part of loving well and a journey that only writes a love story of its own." Jesus' love was expressed in this way when he went to war for us. He gave himself up and humbled himself without losing his dignity and although it seemed that his love was in vain alone on that cross --That cross marked history as the most passionate agave love ever expressed. And this is the same way He wants us to love one another but before receive his love to reciprocate as a vessel that same love for others. Love not from our own but a love that we know and can give because he first loved us. Ephesian 6:12 "For we wrestle not against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this world, against spiritual wickedness in high places." 1 John 4:19 "We love because God first loved us." 1 John 4:21 "This commandment we have from him: Those who claim to love God ought to love their brother and sister also." John 15:13 "No one has greater love than to give up one's life for one's friends."

Sometimes God will allow people to break you. Sometimes God will allow people to reject you. People who will hate you. He will allow evil to seek its plan to destroy you. Sometimes God will seem like he abandoned you and left you in the hand of evil-doers. God will allow it to happen. Trusts me, I have said it too, “why would God lead me to be rejected and broken ?” That’s not a God's character. But it is. You see Joseph was a man that God chose to give a high position. Joseph was his father's favorite but his brothers' hatred. Joseph had dreams about what kind of man he would be to his family. His dreams consisted of his mother and father along with his brother bowing down to him. His dreams consisted of him being lifted high along with the stars. These dreams drove his brothers insane. His brothers plot murder against him. His brothers ended up selling Joseph to some man that would later sell him as a slave in Egypt. His brothers did not want Josephs's dream to come true. They hated how it was his father's favorite son yet, to become a high person and receive honor would fire up his brothers' jealousy. In Egypt Joseph was also rejected and mistreated, he was wrongfully accused, and sent to prison. He served time in prison yet while in prison was also forgotten. You would think, where was God, the promise and the dreams that He called for Joseph? At this moment you would think that God messed up to fulfill his promise, let alone after YEARS of waiting. The story ends uniquely. Joseph ends up getting out of prison and because of God's blessings on Josephs's life despite what he had gone through he was promoted to be prime minister of Pharaoh. You would think God allowing Joseph to be rejected and abandoned in his life was God's absence and unfaithfulness to him. You would think that God did nothing when he allowed Satan to break Joseph. But that's one perspective you can choose to see when you assume that your current season is the last one you will see. A season of famine in Egypt ends up leading Josephs's brother to leave their home and seek providence in Egypt. Joseph ends up recognizing his brothers, he ends up understanding the bigger picture of this purpose. He ends up surrendering un-forgiveness to hold God's ultimate love for everyone. While being rejected and hated for having the power to seek himself justice Joseph ends up loving his brother despite their rejection by declaring the main highlight of this story... “You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives.” Gen. 50:20 NIV God's purpose is much bigger than allowing you to feel pain. God's purpose ultimately fulfills not just your growth and your promotion but it is tied up also with the savings of many lives.

Why is it hard to trust God when the unexpected happens? Why trusting has cost more and more every time and trusting instead of feeling generous, I feel stolen from. Never have I ever given my best of me to anyone. Never have I ever loved so wild and gone far to confront my own fears to love, something I never thought to reach. I gave, I give, and I will give, but while I wait every day feels more empty and farther from the promise. When? This constant fight and walk in the desert have me disoriented. Have I heard wrong? Did God lead me out here to die with no delight? Have I not sown enough? Day after day empty with no promise. One thing about giving is wanting to regret when things don’t seem to work my way. Did I only give my best because of the promise? And If I have not received the promise will I not give the same? Yet, even when I have not, I will still give my best because the best of me comes not with strings attached but with trust, Hoping to believe beyond what I can see. Trusting that love can really grow something beautiful if you just learn to wait. Don’t get so caught up with the promise that you forget God all along. Sometimes we say when I get this or get that, or I have this, or that, then I’ll be in the promise of God. I don’t think that the actual fulfillment of the promise of God was the place or thing but rather a state of mind. For 40 years the people of God wandered through the desert. For 40 years they felt alone, left out, oppressed, and enslaved. But if you analyze the facts. No man could have made it through a desert-like that for at least, no more than 3 days. Yet, for 40 years the people of Isreal walked victory through victory defeating his enemies and having food to survive. ALL provided by God Himself. Sometimes it’s our mind that it’s not aligned to the promise, therefore we miss the promise. And the promise itself is not a place or thing of this world but a place and a thing we hold in our minds and heart. (Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moths and vermin destroy, and where thieves break in and steal. But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven. Matt 6:19-20 NIV). Joshua and Caleb had gone through what everyone else had gone through but Joshua and Caleb had one different kind of mind that no other had and it led them to make it to the promised land. This two-man understood. They understood what is to live in the promise and hold the promise without physically being in the promise. God has a reason for the wait. He is developing a rather more important character than the actual material blessing. It is only loving of God to withhold a blessing from you that you aren’t ready to keep and hold forever yet, even value its cost. There is a difference between what God does for us and what He does to us. One of the reasons we become Christian is because we heard that a man named JESUS died for us so that we can receive salvation. We go in with the understanding that Jesus loved us without us knowing him or having some kind of commitment. But one mistake we make as Christians is that we go on in our Christian walk thinking that Jesus or God is some kind of god that does things for us only. This is when we began to depend on God to give us what we want, or to demand what he promises to give us, healing, wealth, health, etc. This is where we go wrong with our journey and relationship with God. At least I hope you didn't give your life to Jesus because of what he can do for you. Rather, I hope you gave your life to Jesus for what he can do to you. The promised land wasn't about getting something but becoming something qualified for the promise. By that, I mean a transformation of character. If God gave you a promise to become a King like David, God will first take you on a journey where your character will be molded to qualify you first in the character of a king. Imagine if God positioned you as a king and you knew nothing about how to be king. It would be only a mistake of God to give you something he has not equipped you for the job. Therefore, it is only the love of God to withhold a blessing from you that you aren't ready to keep, hold, and value. Because God's purpose is much bigger than for you to have fame. God's purpose for your healing is much bigger than being healed. God's purpose for that career is much bigger than better receiving a good income. God's purpose for your relationship is much bigger than just finding somebody. God's purpose for that failure is more than just going unnoticed. Trust me, the wait SUCKS, IT HURTS, IT's DISAPPOINTING. But, let me leave you with one verse to remind you of God's power and control. Jeremiah 1:5 (reformed) I have chosen you and I have consecrated you BEFORE you were formed and born for the PURPOSE I have placed in you. I know why I created you and for what I created you. I am in control. -AMP “Before I formed you in the womb I knew you [and approved of you as My chosen instrument], And before you were born I consecrated you [to Myself as My own]; I have appointed you as a prophet to the nations.”

I prayed for love and God gave trouble. I prayed for a faith and He gave me a droughts seasons. I prayed for peace and He brought me through storms. I prayed for humility and took me to lowly places. I prayed for meekness and exposed my inner fears. I prayed for commitment and allowed the unexpected. I prayed for joy and brought me sadness. I been waiting and waiting for Gods faithfulness. Expecting to see a big show of Gods faithfulness but I was blind to see His faithfulness in each day. Like a puzzle is to a day and the picture the end of the journey in the waiting of Gods faithfulness. I know what it’s like to pray for something and find yourself praying even more when that something becomes out your control. I don’t know about you but, I prayed for love and God brought me trouble. I honestly feel like I won’t make it. I feel like there is not enough love in me to love as He loves. Primary because the love He talks about is the kind of love that required you to be understanding while you are being misunderstood. The kind of love where you are being lied to and He required your honesty and faithfulness to be as strong as the first. With simply that in mind, I constantly hurt and say to back to God, "that's not fair. Why would I allow myself to be treated like that way." But then I know Gods will, “I am pressing you. I am calling you to deeper waters, deeper roots, deeper realms, deeper understanding, just trust me" says He. I don’t what the end of all of this will look like, and maybe its not about knowing the end to be faithful, patient, persistent, and loving in the now. Maybe the end is only the result of what you sow now. I know that. I know that it is. I know that what we sow in today, will determine your tomorrow reaps. However, despite all human strength, it is necessary to pray and ask God. It is necessary to bring forth your hearts desire to God for him to lead you and make a way. Alone we fail, but with God, he makes a way through our faults, and mistakes.

Currently been going through some things that had popped so many questions to God. One in particular and the most commonly asked question I hear myself ask is… Why me God? I really can’t say much for your well-being and mine but have you ever questioned that question, God, why me? I found myself avoiding the full word of God out of fear of being let down. In one moment God’s blessing became my biggest struggle and battle. How did I end up here? I never expected this to happen, God. The absence of perfect pictures and settings makes me believe that my current situation is upside down and out of your power. That is why I avoid your Word because I feel like God let me down. How did I end up here? Why would God wrap my blessing with SUCH pain? In one moment it thought it was over and in another, it was a mess. I think a lot of times we think of blessings as free of pain and challenges. Trust me, if it comes down to trying to rationalize this… let me save you a headache, there is no rationalization. It’s just simply a fact and you just got to take it as it is. By far the biggest blessings come with big battles. There is something about coming down low to experience that high perception of God's biggest perfect blessings. Got to view from a low point to see bigger. The media paints quite the opposite of this. Media shows you the highlights and quickly plays this mind game in your head that things are as easy as a glimpse of a capture the moment. Truthfully, Media sells you out your heart's desires but the reality behind that picture hides the cost of what those highlights cost. God, why me? Honestly, I am nothing like you God. I ask all of the wrong questions. I fail to get it right and I struggle to be perfect. I try to take control unintentionally and intentionally, just to be realistic. I am not God, so why do you put such a big request of me, to love as you love. To forgive as you forgive. To care as you care. To act like you. In addition, in return for your obedience (because if I don’t obey I don’t know who I am) I feel the pain of that cross you bore for me. Sheesh… if anything, I came to realize that true love isn’t as sweet as Disney fantasy. Rather it's true love if you are suffering. In the end, it is the reason why you are suffering that speaks for itself of unconditional love, a love that God and his children want and has inherited for us to have. I realized that the moment you accept Christ in your heart and surrender your past, you begin to die for him. Just as sinful pleasure leads to sin and sin leads to death: Christ in us, through the Holy Spirit revives Christ back in us as our sinful pleasures and desires died and simultaneously somehow that cross becomes your cross at that present moment. Again, if it’s not clear enough, you begin to die for Him. The Holy Spirit convicts of wrong and speaks truth to you all the time, so when you want to fill in the voids of the old ways, you literally can’t anymore. Your body now belongs to Christ and if you truly love God, walking backward means choosing the penalty of death from our sins (control of our own life) as our own willing choice. But, no one wants to choose death after being set free. True freedom recognizes the place that you were at as the place you never want to be. So for those who say they are Christians but still walk in their old ways, I rather like to believe that they have never felt true freedom, and believing that they are free is further worse than being lost in sin. I honestly feel disappointed by God. It’s because if I tell you, I know this would make no sense to you. After all, it makes no sense to me. Why would I forgive the injustice when this flesh presses forward to make my justice but at the same time the Holy Spirit who brought me to freedom, tells you it's okay. No God, I been here before and this is where you rescue me from, why would you want me to confront it by facing my inner fears. Don’t you remember how lost I was? Don’t you remember how in need I was? Don’t you remember how this oppressed me? You delivered me by your hand and now you want me to tap into it for a renewal of mind and heart? How am I supposed to keep trusting you when just when I thought I can finally rest from pain, you allow me to feel more pain. Of course, it's not the same pain of suffering hopelessness, and absolute death but, why is pain wrapped in what is supposed to be as how Disney portrays and media makes us perceive happiness and love (pain-free). I set up a barrier now of why I can’t trust when you say “just keep waiting” or “be patient” because it seems like the waiting comes with more suffering. This in-between thing is creeping out my fears and anxiety. God, please help. I don’t want to continue listening because it costs me more of me and there is less of me (the old me). The old me creeps in as higher-level require deeper ground, and deeper roots and the hardest thing to do is to let your guard down. Psalms 27, The Lord is my light and my salvation whom shall I fear? Why should I fear if I believe that the Lord is my salvation and my light? Just when need help and deliverance once more from my past enemies, I am reminded that you are with me and that If you did it before you can do it again. You, God, is my salvation and my light, I will not fear.

I have say that I have not been honest that I have been well lately. The unexpected and the letdowns took me by surprise. I believed that if I gave my best in life, I wouldn’t have to worry about them keeping coming. Listen, if I showed you where I am at, it would be like an embarrassment and a disappointment to all those who had high hopes for me. Truth is, I wanted to prove myself right by proving you right with a perfect life. If God is the one who opens doors then why is my path full of surprises and not the ones that stir up joy but pain and suffering? Have I gone astray? Did I hear God’s voice? I know that you are with me. I know that I hear your voice. However, I can not comprehend that Your voice wraps the blessing in groaning pains. Why would God do that? It is so unexpected. I guess, I wanted waters to be still but, You wanted me to be still in the midst of the crashing storming waters. Tell me, how is that? I am afraid. I catch myself at times through the eyes of Peter when he saw the winds and he was afraid. Lord, I am afraid. Lord, save me! I feel like I am going backwards. The storms feel as if I brought myself to them. Did I step into the unknown where faith calls, only to find myself drowning in fear, in unexpected circumstances of whose voice I follow? Why would God call when the winds and storms are wilding. Where did I go wrong? I have been crucifying all of me. But, all this shame of baring a cross I cannot bear. As through the eyes of the rest of the disciples sitting inside the boat, looking down at Peter drowning saying, “Great Peter, way to go! Look at you, caught up by the winds." Yet, little did the reader know that the hidden gem of this scripture reveals how vulnerability and meekness are on the made. Worthy characters that are the result when you step out of your comfort zone. I have been faithful, following your voice, I find myself confronted by fear. My only prayer is, "God if there is another way, please take this cup from me." Having to be first and be submissive. Having to be faithful, having to choose love while I feel betrayed. Having to be gentle when I feel angry. Having to be understanding when I feel misunderstood. Having to encourage while I feel discouraged. Having to lead when I expected to be lead. Have to be all the roles at once because I know better. Seeking pain-free in You God, but finding myself in You reminded that you took all this pain for me. At the garden of Gethsemane, I repeat the same words, “Father, if you are willing, please take this cup of suffering away from me. Yet, I want your will to be done, not mine.” Knowing well that death of me is a continuation. The thought of my burial, and taking my cross leaves me with one desire and that is the hope of life on the other side of death. It is out of the ordinary. This cup exposes my own Pharisees that I have held on to. They come out like spiders from a dusting web. They are exposed and I'm blown away that there were in there. How is that that Jesus didn’t come to judge the world but to save it? How is it that has loved me just as much as before anything and even after everything? How can Jesus forgive when I thought I knew better? Knowing better than you Jesus you expose the Pharisee in me. Now that I know who has been fighting me I can detect the hidden familiar spirit in the culture of the church. It is not only in me but in the legalism of the church. They say together, if it doesn’t look this way, then there is something wrong with your way. Once you have been out of trouble for a while then you can be our member. Once you proved yourself worthy then you’ll earn my respect and my ear. Once you cleaned up your life, then we can have communion.I accepted this and the Pharisee embed himself in the darkness in me to please me as worthy when I follow their mandates. Because it’s easier when you work for it than to receive it and accept things out of grace. A Pharisee thinks it’s crazy to accept a sinful person. Yet, crazy to think that God would want to use them. Crazy to think that God would have still a purpose that will come out of their mistakes. Crazy to think that God can work with failure and disappointments. Crazy to think that God would not be mad but compassionate. Crazy to think that God wouldn’t put them in time out from his love but love them even more. To a Pharisee it would be crazy to think that God wouldn’t judge them. Why would God sit with the sinners? Why would he have compassion? Why would He be slow to anger? Why would God be in it? To a Pharisee it's crazy to think that God would touch the sick and dirty and eat with them. Sin doesn’t separate us from the love of God, sin blinds us from the love of God and relying on our own understanding sets a barrier to receive it. You say, "Why do you try so hard for me to love you? why do you try to earn my grace?" "I have shown you that I have paid for it all and it is finished." Pharisees can’t see love. Pharisees can’t see hope. Pharisees can’t see the purpose. Pharisees can’t see a way. Pharisee can’t forgive, it can’t let go. Pharisees can’t take in unexpected. To a Pharisee, there is only one way and that is an eye see, I know. If I don’t see, I don’t know, then it’s not right with me. Pharisees can’t reason that a dead seed can bring forth life. Help me to understand! I hope you understand. Grace is only seen when you stand where is needed. Love is fills where there is a lack of. Testimony walks through the dark valleys. If you want a testimony you got you to walk through the testing. Getting it right wasn’t the answer. Bringing who is RIGHT is the answer. The test doesn’t testify to you but tests The Great I AM. His glory not mine. We give our lives for a test of Christ in us and the evidence his faithful Word. Where there is pain there is His hope. Where there is weakness there is His strength. Where there is death, there He is the resurrection. Many are called but few are chosen. We are the clay, that is pressed, molded, broken, and rebuilt. His spirt is the oil that fills us after the testing of the vessel's character.

It is easy to lose sight of God even though you’re standing right by Him. You can lose sight of the spiritual and go unaware that you lost your sight because you can “now” see. Two weeks ago I began studying the beginning of creation, the story of Adam, Eve, and the fall, hoping to find myself back in the garden. I was feeling ashamed, unworthy, unloved. I felt like Peter, ready to go FULL into service for God. “Simon, Simon! Indeed, Satan has asked for you, that he may sift you as wheat. But I have prayed for you, that your faith should not fail; and when you have returned to Me, strengthen your brethren.” But he said to Him, “Lord, I am ready to go with You, both to prison and to death.” Lord, I am ready to with You, both to prison and to death. You know, I heard his voice call me. I followed. I felt great peace as I stepped out in faith but something else warned me of the battles ahead. Two months and most powerfully the last two 2 weeks of the end of that two months-never have I been under heavy warfare. What the warfare did was take my eyesight of Him. Tempted me like Jesus in the wilderness; lust for the flesh, the lust of the eye, and pride of life. All of which I denied but the overwhelming questions I let blind me from the truth of His closeness and I walked away. Although His Spirit was with me, I could not see Him. So I denied him when shifted my eyesight from God and looked at what could have happened to me. And just like Peter, I went back and did the same. I wanted to do this thing for God. I heard his voice and I was ready to go with Him. It is like I slipped into the pride of being self-approved for the assignment—“I am ready to go with You” I was in peace with the faith and I was in the step with the Lord. But when I took a step closer just like Peter took a step closer, following Jesus as He was taken as criminal to the chief priests, something within me stopped me at the courtyard where Peter. I believe Peter had faith. I believe Peter had courage. I believe Peter had the right desire but there was one thing that stopped him. It wasn't a lack of courage or heart. It was the belief of self-approval. When Peter denied Christ, that wasn't the issue. It was what drove Peter to deny Jesus the real issue. When you are not aligned to the voice of God fear comes, doubts come, anxiety comes, depression comes. The voice of God is not just words. They are truths that you can place your hope and faith in. There are truths of warm peace. Peter self-qualified himself at this hour. When they asked him about his relationship with Christ and he saw that threats were against him if he knew them, he fled denying Christ. Peter could have not done it by himself. When you approve you place yourself as worthy. The truth is that alone we weigh no worth. Jesus on the other hand gives grace and worth. So that is that when you obey his voice there is power because it means that you will be walking by his purpose. You don't self-qualified yourself. Jesus qualifies you through your obedience.

As I feel the season shift and new things come, the space in between, the separation, there has been one thing that I felt leaving me too. However, it's not a good thing you want out; that is self-worth. As the season is slowly changing, I felt something being pulled and being left behind in my past. At first, I didn't know what it was. Only the feelings of unworthy of the call, not strong enough, too fragile, were the only indicators that something was wrong. If I go back, I'll feel some sense of worth back but, times are changing so I know it won't last and soon I'll be lost. If I go back, my faith will not be exercised and courage will settle for what looks to be safe but is only unsafe. I hear the call, I feel the courage, but if I step out, worth feels snatched. It only makes me look back to see what is pulling my worth. I see a man with my child who is trying to take her from me (an evil spirit) I grieve because I feel that this child is a part of me than anything of him. I must go my own way but the child must come with me. She is mine. She is me. This child is my innocence and my worth. So this is the part where I rescue myself. I know my worth, and I know you know yours too. However, sometimes we can misplace our worth in our past. It's more common to hear someone say, I lost my worth when this person hurt me, or when I got fired or layoff, or when the abuse happened to me. However, it is also common to misplace (lose) your worth when you rely on that one victory being your only piece of worth that you have. When you start to view your worth only through your past victories, you actually begin to devalue yourself. Your worth is so much more! Guys, seasons change and they change because God will never stop showing you that He makes you worthy and valued. God's plan for us is to keep us moving forward, from glory to glory. Your worth can only be found in God. I know God has called many of us to be strong and courageous and to step into new things. Maybe you felt like me, BOLD but worthless. Rescue you! Your value, your worth is not found in what happened to you. Rescue you! Your worth and value has be found in God all the time. If He did it with you in the past, He can do it again in your the present and future. If He has called you, He has made you worthy of the call! He has valued you!

Took a hit last night. Unaware of my weakness in that area. Satan’s arrow pierced my back and through my stomach. I am losing all strength. The spirit of fear seeking an opportunity Along with his partner, doubt, seeking a time to inject his poison. I'm on the floor feeling all this pain and can’t seem to think straight. I find myself in solitary. Thought I had people I can trust. backstabbers, they turned their back on me. I got to focus on survival. I got to fight for my revival. I got to endure for my comeback. Dragging myself for safety. Crawling for shelter only finding a cave for loneliness. Freezing on this cold night. Lord, you are my watchman. I trust your faithfulness even when my mind can’t seem to think straight because of the pain. I won’t allow this thorn to change my judgment of your truth. Remind me of our intimate moments: When you remained after everyone left, When you uplifted me while others lowered me, When I couldn’t stand and you carried me. I know there is nothing hidden from you. I know that you precisely placed everything in my life for a purpose including, allowing me to feel this pain. My enemies see me disturbed because I trust you. My enemies see me mad because I believe in your glory. But I believe it. I see your glory, I see your faithfulness, I see your truth displayed all around like an art gallery. How can’t anyone see it? I got to focus on survival I got to focus on revival I got to endure the war zone for a comeback You say victory is mine, and your enemies will know that I am Lord. You are my refuge, my fortress, my God, in whom I trust. You are my deliverer, my God, my shield, and the horn of my salvation.

God, you asked me if I wanted to love. I would have never thought that it would be this difficult to love. I said yes, but you knew my answer even before I said yes. Forgive me if I thought of regretting my answer, but I have moments I want to say no. I have thought of taking it back because I am not sure if I got in me. The process just got started and I am already feeling the weight of worry. Listen to me, God. I am ok with just knowing that there is love in me. I thought my heart turned to rock, but you showed me that there is purity. I am ok with just remembering the spark. Do not be mad at me if I settle. I will be ok alone with you. Oh, but you say, You will no longer see the Egyptians you see today. I avoid love and connection because I fear rejection. I want to go back, but you place me in front of this red sea and my enemies behind my back. I have no option but to call on your name. Lord, I am scared. Do I have faith? I have been ignoring your word. My head has been fleeing the wilderness. I am going on and on in circles, nothing but desert. Will you get this Egypt out of me? Because if I think about it, I know I will rather settle down. I do not think I am strong. I do not think I can love. I do not think I got it. I do not think I am worthy. I do not think I have enough faith. What if I fail you, God. I feel stretch beyond what I believe I can be. I do not know to be patient. Show me how to love, Show me to be patient. Show me to walk in who you say I am. Let Your rod and your staff guide me. But you call me and say I have prepared you for this specific time. You say it over and over again. I will be with you. I give you what you need and not what you want.

I have been trying to escape the mind of conformity in trying to reach a level of fruitfulness. Only to find myself feeling like gravity only pulls me three steps backward. Every loss has my motivation to seek success, but it seems like it has grown an ambition of perverse greediness and lust for wanting more. I have questioned myself before, why would the Israelites even dare to worship idols they made up? The Israelites saw all that God did for them to deliver them from Egypt. A place where they were slaved captive and unable to practice their freedom as chosen people of God. Not only did God liberated the Israelites but, He made sure to finish with her enemies and take them to a Promise Land. God did that by sending plagues, fire, and death to the Egyptians. In addition, God made sure to provide for their needs through the desert. Yet, I couldn't seem to reason their behavior of idolatry until I remembered that I had been doing this too. I have been rescued from captivity and as well, going through a desert. I have seen God's hand since in the rescue. I have seen Him parted red seas for me but, somehow the long walks in the desert and the waiting for the promised land has felt too far for me to grasp. Walking around a desert and getting nowhere has only made me worry about what God had said. I grew anxious about whether I heard Him wrong or if all that I experience was an illusion of mine? All of this in my head, desert after desert, has led me to worship the greed for something else, idolatry. I have been missing out on the blessing of living day after day on the DESERT! God gave me life, the way, and the truth. My only question now, how many people are also idolatrous of this greed and lust for this "promised land"? You have gone around the desert and more desert, grown tired and hopeless because what you prayed hasn't come. You have seen so much emptiness, unfruitfulness, you set a tent in the desert and settled to worship lust and thoughts of perverse greed. You become too afraid to keep walking and keep trusting and instead made yourself an imposter of the Promise Land! You could not wait for the woman or man God had for you to marry because you were afraid that maybe God would have forgotten you. You could not wait to stay at that job because you thought God would never give you your business. You were hurt over and over and could not forgive because you did not trust that God could not make all things better as He promised. Here you are now, going through a divorce, have an unstable relationship with your wife or husband, going bankrupt, losing your home and belonging, living in trauma, diagnosed with depression, and all for the lack of trust. All this time in the desert, through it seems lonely and empty of fruitfulness, what more of a perfect landscape for miracles and blessings. A desert is a blank canvas for God history in our lives.

We live in a mind-made-up world. A fake reality. Fake it until we make it. Simply a fantasy. A life whereof greed and coveting each other's things. A hierarchy created, play with life like its monopoly. Chase’s life but the reality of this is more like running from life. The afterlife is an avoided topic the irony is that the ignorance and style of life is as good as playing with fire. What a joke. The more you want the more you lose. And sometimes you don't know what you lose until you’re on the other side and... it's too late. I struggle with one thing from the past. A curious thing. I feel bitter to not understood before but simultaneously I feel grateful to understand now. For a while, I searched for perfection only to find that there’s no perfection. What a discovery of reality, right? The beauty of our imperfection is its perfection. There is not a frame in which one must fit but instead one must create with one’s self. Flip the card, "REVERSE", t’s UNO game. It not a change of the physical but a change from the heart. We should not live life to settle down with it's greediness but to ride and rise above it. Life screams and dares for someone's gratefulness. People kill to grab more of life but the trick to life is to fill it all inside without much grab from it. The effort to flourish the heart's intentions is the proof of love. It is motivated by transparency and vulnerability. The true value is in the minimal spark of energy of a heartbeat, it’s heartfelt. You can’t replicate it. Its rhythm can be only lived by perceiving and experience it. Every beat is a star uniqueness. It comes in possibilities, a scope of freedom, or out of fear chosen regret. It’s black and white like that. No middle ground you want to be friends with because its darkness is as great to know the treasures of life and not seize them.

“Prisoner of hope.” I have been struggling these past few days. It has been really hard for me to capture what hope is lately and why we grab it to live life. Why hope is like a catalyst to move forward. I don't remember struggling with hope but I guess hope just like anything in life can come and test its maturity. Like last month was humility, The month before was trust, And so on… Marriage has been on my mind. I have been thinking a lot about my past relationship. I was so young and what we had besides the struggles It was beautiful. What I don't understand is how can a thing so beautiful have an end? (What I hear God say is "all things have an end" "the grass withers, the flowers fade, but the only thing that remains and stands forever is God" Flowers 🌸 come and go. Wow. There is a time for everything. All that I m left with is the residue of memories. Bittersweet memories. Yes along the way hurt and pain has cleared up but What do I do with something that "was" and now is not? This cant be all right? There has to be something else that follows. Sadly, in one moment one thing can be fireworks alive, and in a single night split of a second... all is gone. How can I make the sparkles light up and last through the night? How can I make something worthwhile in the aftermath? A song that comes to mind, “I don’t have anything to offer, but all I got is a broken heart” Lord, give me purpose! Though the past is gone and all things have a season, Use past seasons to fertilize the current time. Use this dust and broken pieces for your purpose. Birth something new. Forgive me but I will not be satisfied. I can not and will not settle down until you overfill me, until you over satisfy me. Forgive me, but your word says that you restore, that you redeem, that you forgive, that you create, and you give double for the trouble and double for my joy forever. Isn’t that the hope you guarantee? Hope not in vain, hope on things that aren't alive? Until how long? I hear you say, “Put your trust not on earthy things but put your trust in the strong rock, giver, and creator of all things. He who holds in his hand all things and out of nothing He creates. They say “weeping may endure for the night, but surely joy comes in the morning!

Life is filled with high moments. Is a flow that is recognizable by seasons of life that come with great intensity and others with less intensity. It's like the body of a vessel. He molds the highs and the lows, how deep and how wide. Time can determine its shape and its space. The willingness leads to its maturity. There will be moments of the intensity of shifts. It will be pressed by fire for its completion and then for use. It will only take shape in God's perfect timing. Each season is a milestone of God's glory. Each step, each moment good or bad, all living things to work together for His goodness. Every high and low adds just enough pressure for our potential to hold His living spirit. Each season is Him molding and He makes us a vessel. Each season creates a potential purpose that he intended to fulfill your life with. It creates more and more space to fill you with His presence. Every victory anoints you his vessel! A vessel that can be carried from place to place. A vessel that is meant to overflow.

Often times we don't stop and think and acknowledge what we value and take with us into our next breath of life. We failed, we win, we died, and and felt alive; the contrast of that always yield a form of accomplishment that make us feel that we have a purpose in life. 2021 Graduation was and will be a memory that I will always cherish always. That moment where I stood before walking on stage was the moment that I can identify a moment of purpose. Just a year a half I thought I failed at life and that it was too late for me to start all over again. I had been turn down to go in to nursing school and my effort was not enough for my counselor to even feel compassion for me. I saw myself going though a storm I never would get out. I thought of ending my life many times and if i did not do it, I thought that death was going to come for me eventually soon. When I think of I graduating, I think that my greatest disappointments where my greatest come backs. That memory I will always cherish! I love here one of yours!!