I have say that I have not been honest that I have been well lately.
The unexpected and the letdowns took me by surprise.
I believed that if I gave my best in life, I wouldn’t have to worry about them keeping coming.
Listen, if I showed you where I am at, it would be like an embarrassment and a disappointment to all those who had high hopes for me.
Truth is, I wanted to prove myself right by proving you right with a perfect life.
If God is the one who opens doors then why is my path full of surprises and not the ones that stir up joy but pain and suffering? Have I gone astray? Did I hear God’s voice?
I know that you are with me. I know that I hear your voice.
However, I can not comprehend that Your voice wraps the blessing in groaning pains.
Why would God do that?
It is so unexpected.
I guess, I wanted waters to be still but, You wanted me to be still in the midst of the crashing storming waters. Tell me, how is that? I am afraid. I catch myself at times through the eyes of Peter when he saw the winds and he was afraid. Lord, I am afraid. Lord, save me!
I feel like I am going backwards. The storms feel as if I brought myself to them.
Did I step into the unknown where faith calls, only to find myself drowning in fear, in unexpected circumstances of whose voice I follow? Why would God call when the winds and storms are wilding. Where did I go wrong?
I have been crucifying all of me. But, all this shame of baring a cross I cannot bear.
As through the eyes of the rest of the disciples sitting inside the boat, looking down at Peter drowning saying, “Great Peter, way to go! Look at you, caught up by the winds." Yet, little did the reader know that the hidden gem of this scripture reveals how vulnerability and meekness are on the made. Worthy characters that are the result when you step out of your comfort zone.
I have been faithful, following your voice, I find myself confronted by fear.
My only prayer is, "God if there is another way, please take this cup from me."
Having to be first and be submissive. Having to be faithful, having to choose love while I feel betrayed. Having to be gentle when I feel angry. Having to be understanding when I feel misunderstood. Having to encourage while I feel discouraged. Having to lead when I expected to be lead. Have to be all the roles at once because I know better. Seeking pain-free in You God, but finding myself in You reminded that you took all this pain for me.
At the garden of Gethsemane, I repeat the same words, “Father, if you are willing, please take this cup of suffering away from me. Yet, I want your will to be done, not mine.” Knowing well that death of me is a continuation. The thought of my burial, and taking my cross leaves me with one desire and that is the hope of life on the other side of death.
It is out of the ordinary. This cup exposes my own Pharisees that I have held on to. They come out like spiders from a dusting web. They are exposed and I'm blown away that there were in there. How is that that Jesus didn’t come to judge the world but to save it? How is it that has loved me just as much as before anything and even after everything? How can Jesus forgive when I thought I knew better? Knowing better than you Jesus you expose the Pharisee in me. Now that I know who has been fighting me I can detect the hidden familiar spirit in the culture of the church. It is not only in me but in the legalism of the church. They say together, if it doesn’t look this way, then there is something wrong with your way. Once you have been out of trouble for a while then you can be our member. Once you proved yourself worthy then you’ll earn my respect and my ear. Once you cleaned up your life, then we can have communion.I accepted this and the Pharisee embed himself in the darkness in me to please me as worthy when I follow their mandates. Because it’s easier when you work for it than to receive it and accept things out of grace.
A Pharisee thinks it’s crazy to accept a sinful person. Yet, crazy to think that God would want to use them. Crazy to think that God would have still a purpose that will come out of their mistakes. Crazy to think that God can work with failure and disappointments. Crazy to think that God would not be mad but compassionate. Crazy to think that God wouldn’t put them in time out from his love but love them even more. To a Pharisee it would be crazy to think that God wouldn’t judge them. Why would God sit with the sinners? Why would he have compassion? Why would He be slow to anger? Why would God be in it? To a Pharisee it's crazy to think that God would touch the sick and dirty and eat with them.
Sin doesn’t separate us from the love of God, sin blinds us from the love of God and relying on our own understanding sets a barrier to receive it.
You say, "Why do you try so hard for me to love you? why do you try to earn my grace?"
"I have shown you that I have paid for it all and it is finished."
Pharisees can’t see love. Pharisees can’t see hope. Pharisees can’t see the purpose. Pharisees can’t see a way. Pharisee can’t forgive, it can’t let go. Pharisees can’t take in unexpected. To a Pharisee, there is only one way and that is an eye see, I know. If I don’t see, I don’t know, then it’s not right with me. Pharisees can’t reason that a dead seed can bring forth life. Help me to understand! I hope you understand. Grace is only seen when you stand where is needed. Love is fills where there is a lack of. Testimony walks through the dark valleys. If you want a testimony you got you to walk through the testing.
Getting it right wasn’t the answer. Bringing who is RIGHT is the answer. The test doesn’t testify to you but tests The Great I AM. His glory not mine. We give our lives for a test of Christ in us and the evidence his faithful Word.
Where there is pain there is His hope. Where there is weakness there is His strength. Where there is death, there He is the resurrection.
Many are called but few are chosen. We are the clay, that is pressed, molded, broken, and rebuilt. His spirt is the oil that fills us after the testing of the vessel's character.