God, you asked me if I wanted to love.
I would have never thought that it would be this difficult to love.
I said yes, but you knew my answer even before I said yes.
Forgive me if I thought of regretting my answer, but I have moments I want to say no. I have thought of taking it back because
I am not sure if I got in me.
The process just got started and I am already feeling the weight of worry.
Listen to me, God. I am ok with just knowing that there is love in me. I thought my heart turned to rock, but you showed me that there is purity.
I am ok with just remembering the spark.
Do not be mad at me if I settle.
I will be ok alone with you.
Oh, but you say,
You will no longer see the Egyptians you see today.
I avoid love and connection because I fear rejection.
I want to go back, but you place me in front of this red sea and my enemies behind my back. I have no option but to call on your name.
Lord, I am scared.
Do I have faith?
I have been ignoring your word. My head has been fleeing the wilderness. I am going on and on in circles, nothing but desert. Will you get this Egypt out of me?
Because if I think about it, I know I will rather settle down.
I do not think I am strong.
I do not think I can love.
I do not think I got it.
I do not think I am worthy.
I do not think I have enough faith.
What if I fail you, God.
I feel stretch beyond what I believe I can be.
I do not know to be patient.
Show me how to love,
Show me to be patient.
Show me to walk in who you say I am.
Let Your rod and your staff guide me.
But you call me and say I have prepared you for this specific time.
You say it over and over again.
I will be with you.
I give you what you need and not what you want.