Currently been going through some things that had popped so many questions to God. One in particular and the most commonly asked question I hear myself ask is… Why me God?
I really can’t say much for your well-being and mine but have you ever questioned that question, God, why me?
I found myself avoiding the full word of God out of fear of being let down. In one moment God’s blessing became my biggest struggle and battle. How did I end up here? I never expected this to happen, God. The absence of perfect pictures and settings makes me believe that my current situation is upside down and out of your power. That is why I avoid your Word because I feel like God let me down. How did I end up here?
Why would God wrap my blessing with SUCH pain? In one moment it thought it was over and in another, it was a mess. I think a lot of times we think of blessings as free of pain and challenges. Trust me, if it comes down to trying to rationalize this… let me save you a headache, there is no rationalization. It’s just simply a fact and you just got to take it as it is. By far the biggest blessings come with big battles. There is something about coming down low to experience that high perception of God's biggest perfect blessings. Got to view from a low point to see bigger.
The media paints quite the opposite of this. Media shows you the highlights and quickly plays this mind game in your head that things are as easy as a glimpse of a capture the moment.
Truthfully, Media sells you out your heart's desires but the reality behind that picture hides the cost of what those highlights cost.
God, why me? Honestly, I am nothing like you God. I ask all of the wrong questions. I fail to get it right and I struggle to be perfect. I try to take control unintentionally and intentionally, just to be realistic.
I am not God, so why do you put such a big request of me, to love as you love. To forgive as you forgive. To care as you care. To act like you. In addition, in return for your obedience (because if I don’t obey I don’t know who I am) I feel the pain of that cross you bore for me. Sheesh… if anything, I came to realize that true love isn’t as sweet as Disney fantasy. Rather it's true love if you are suffering. In the end, it is the reason why you are suffering that speaks for itself of unconditional love, a love that God and his children want and has inherited for us to have.
I realized that the moment you accept Christ in your heart and surrender your past, you begin to die for him. Just as sinful pleasure leads to sin and sin leads to death: Christ in us, through the Holy Spirit revives Christ back in us as our sinful pleasures and desires died and simultaneously somehow that cross becomes your cross at that present moment. Again, if it’s not clear enough, you begin to die for Him. The Holy Spirit convicts of wrong and speaks truth to you all the time, so when you want to fill in the voids of the old ways, you literally can’t anymore. Your body now belongs to Christ and if you truly love God, walking backward means choosing the penalty of death from our sins (control of our own life) as our own willing choice. But, no one wants to choose death after being set free. True freedom recognizes the place that you were at as the place you never want to be. So for those who say they are Christians but still walk in their old ways, I rather like to believe that they have never felt true freedom, and believing that they are free is further worse than being lost in sin.
I honestly feel disappointed by God. It’s because if I tell you, I know this would make no sense to you. After all, it makes no sense to me. Why would I forgive the injustice when this flesh presses forward to make my justice but at the same time the Holy Spirit who brought me to freedom, tells you it's okay. No God, I been here before and this is where you rescue me from, why would you want me to confront it by facing my inner fears. Don’t you remember how lost I was? Don’t you remember how in need I was? Don’t you remember how this oppressed me? You delivered me by your hand and now you want me to tap into it for a renewal of mind and heart?
How am I supposed to keep trusting you when just when I thought I can finally rest from pain, you allow me to feel more pain. Of course, it's not the same pain of suffering hopelessness, and absolute death but, why is pain wrapped in what is supposed to be as how Disney portrays and media makes us perceive happiness and love (pain-free). I set up a barrier now of why I can’t trust when you say “just keep waiting” or “be patient” because it seems like the waiting comes with more suffering. This in-between thing is creeping out my fears and anxiety. God, please help. I don’t want to continue listening because it costs me more of me and there is less of me (the old me). The old me creeps in as higher-level require deeper ground, and deeper roots and the hardest thing to do is to let your guard down.
Psalms 27, The Lord is my light and my salvation whom shall I fear?
Why should I fear if I believe that the Lord is my salvation and my light? Just when need help and deliverance once more from my past enemies, I am reminded that you are with me and that If you did it before you can do it again. You, God, is my salvation and my light, I will not fear.